The Sad Child Within

Today is a day that I awakened and was grateful to do so. Breathing into my body, I noticed my ability to sense my toes and my belly and my heart, even to the top of my head.

Today is a day that I sent my mind to a place of intention. Intention to care for myself and others, all day, in a way that is nurturing and beneficial. In that moment I felt my physical self relax into the present.

Today is a day that I cared for my morning body with presence and lovingkindness. Breathing in I am brushing my teeth; breathing out I am grateful for my strong teeth. Breathing in I step into the shower; breathing out I open to a deep experience of the warm water on my back.

Today is a day that I sat to meditate. Focusing on the breath, I found my center on the cushion. Breathing in, I was aware of thoughts; breathing out I let them tumble to the floor behind me, like pieces of a lego puzzle. Breathing in I am open to my heart; breathing out I listen.


Today is a day that I encounter the sad child within. Breathing in I acknowledge her pain; breathing out I send her lovingkindness. Even though tears may come to my eyes with the in-breath; I send compassion and tenderness to her on the out-breath. I wrap her tenderly in the arms of my kind benevolent self, and just love her. I do not need to run away.

Many people are unaware of the pain they carry within their own psyche. Because we live in a culture that does not like to support or acknowledge pain, we have become great artists at removing ourselves from whatever feels difficult. We spend time distracting ourselves as much as possible; talking on the phone, messaging, watching television, playing games, eating, etc. If we are living mindfully we can become aware of the difference between enjoying these activities, instead of using them to run away from the things that are bothering us.

Some of us have been very hurt in our lifetimes and carry a great deal of damage and distress in our internal world. Some of us just carry the ordinary pain of simply living. Most of us are somewhere in between. Keeping our sadness and pain under lock and key is the source of a great deal of additional suffering, often resulting in depression, anxiety and physical illness.

When we enter a mindful life, we open the door to our inner world. Sitting in meditation and simply focusing on the breath we sometimes, unknowingly invite the presence of a whole host of characters, including the sad or injured child.

If this occurs, invite your kind mindful self, your Benevolent Witness to come and hold the sad child. Continue to focus on the breath at the belly. Notice any thoughts including ones like: “ I shouldn’t cry, because once I start I’ll never stop”; or “This is really stupid. I have nothing to cry about...”. Simply come back to focus on the breath. Send tenderness to your sad child, for as long as it takes to feel comforted. 

Deeper explorations of inner wounds are not recommended for the beginning practitioner. Sometimes the blocks of pain that we carry are too big and heavy for us to support alone. This important work can be done in the context of insight meditation and Mind Body Intelligencetm-based psychotherapy. It is also, highly recommended to everyone, to join a community of mindful practitioners and receive sustained support for your practice.

That being said; Having the experience of creating a safe inner environment to support whatever pain or difficulty is bothering you, will deepen your ability to be present for your wonderful life!

Examples of mindful communities (Sanghas) can be found at www.sagehealinginstitute.com. Sage Healers’ Sangha for healing professionals (mental health and health practitioners) and Mind Body Intelligence Sangha (for everyone).




May this information benefit you, those you love, and all sentient beings, everywhere.

-Ellen Adelman

Getting to the Meditation Cushion; 
Or  Why I shouldn’t meditate...

Sometimes its really tough to get to the meditation cushion. There’s a million things to get done in the day. There’s getting out of bed, going to work (out of the house or inside); there’s grabbing coffee, lunch, answering texts, voice mails, making calls, actually doing work, getting home in time for dinner etc, etc, etc.
 For those of you who have begun a meditation practice, carving out the time to sit is the biggest hurdle you may have. For those with an established practice that could be true for you as well!

So, here are a few insights and tips that I hope you find helpful.

•  If you find that you are engaged in a battle with your Critical Witness (the part of you that judges and criticizes) it’s best to give up!  “I should be meditating,” is guaranteed to create a lot of striving, suffering and stress.

• Inner negotiation skills here, are very important. Most of us have learned by now that bullying rarely gives the desired result. We can intimidate someone into doing what we desire but the results are transitory at best. If you want to build a real foundation for a meditation practice that you can rely on; a little compassionate dialogue between you and you will really help. The discussion is between two parts of the psyche known as the Benevolent Witness and your Little Child. The Benevolent Witness is the kinder, wiser version of the Critical Witness. Your conversation might go like this:

Benevolent Witness (BW): “I really want to meditate. I need to and its important, if I want to feel better (happy, less stressed, whole).”
 Little Child: “ I don’t want to. I don’t have time; and anyway I don’t have to listen to you”.
 BW: “I know, you are really busy and stressed and this feels like adding one more thing; but let’s try to work something out. Its really important to me.”
 Little Child: “You are too demanding. You’re asking too much. This is just stressing me out more”.
 BW: “How about we just breathe into the belly for a minute? How does that feel? (pause) What if we just sit for 5 minutes tomorrow morning?”
 Little Child: “That might be OK but I know you won’t be satisfied with that; you’ll want more, you’ll push me, and I don’t have time.”
 BW: “I promise, just five minutes, and I will feel happy. And you will feel less stressed.”
 Little Child: “Okay, if you really mean it.”

Of-course your particular negotiation might sound different, but you get the idea. It might not create the desired result the first time; but if you truly want to develop a mindfulness practice, you will eventually find yourself on your cushion, even if it is, only for 5 minutes. As you continue to develop the art of compassionate dialogue with your inner characters, the depth and breadth of your practice will grow.

• The key is to have a light touch with your inner being. Compassion and kindness are the most powerful catalysts we have for growth and change. Use these liberally and you will notice yourself moving along on your intended path.

May this information benefit you, those you love, and all sentient beings, everywhere.

How To Meditate Mindfully:

Basic Concentration Meditation

Many people believe that they are not capable of meditation and give up before they even have a chance to try it out. It is a myth that you have to clear your mind of thoughts. In fact, working with our thoughts is a big part of a mindful meditation practice. 

As we practice, our minds do learn to slow down naturally. Sometimes we may experience a certain kind of peacefulness or release. We may feel serene and fully present. At other times we may feel distracted or even agitated. As the great Tibetan Master once said, our minds can seem “like a tree full of drunken monkeys”;filled with a multitude of busy thoughts, leaping from branch to branch.

Instead of trying to make our minds quiet, we simply sit, breath and notice what happens. No GOALS and whatever happens No Big Deal!

Here are some of the essential components of a beneficial mindfulness practice: 

Posture:

It is best to sit on a meditation cushion or a chair that will allow you to support your own back. The spine is relaxed but long and extended. Sitting up beautifully in this way, allows the whole front of your body to be soft, so the breath can flow freely. We sit so that the knees are lower than the hips. The head is erect and the chin is slightly tucked, as if you were wearing a crown. The spine in your neck is aligned with the spine in your back, and the shoulders are relaxed. The hands are placed on the thighs in a centered place where they neither pull you forward nor press your shoulders back.

The belly is allowed to rest, with no muscular tension to “hold it in”. If you would enjoy sitting in a lotus position or any modified version of that, on your cushion, that is fine. Lying down is not recommended, because we tend to fall asleep in this position. And as the famous meditation teacher, Jon Kabat-Zinn says; mindful meditation is about “falling awake”.

The Breath:

It is best to breath in and out from the nostrils. If you have a sinus problem or a cold, just do what feels right for you; breathing through the mouth as need be. It is very important to breath with the diaphragm. This is the membrane that separates your lungs from your lower body.

Breathing diaphragmatically means that the belly rises freely with the in-breath and gently falls with the out-breath. Although the lungs fill and empty with each breath, too, the chest really doesn’t move. Chest breathing is associated with stress and anxiety.

Breathing into the belly allows the nervous system to enter a calm and tranquil state where many wonderful healing processes occur. Mindful diaphragmatic breathing is the antidote to stress and anxiety!

The Mind: 

In concentration meditation we are gently working with the mind to strengthen our ability to choose the direction of our thoughts. In this way, meditation practice is like going to the mental gym. The key here is to adopt the following attitudes which enable us to benefit the most from the meditation experience.

Gentle voice: In this practice we notice the quality of our inner voice. We invite ourselves to refrain from being judgmental, from striving for perfection, and from being critical of ourselves and others. Instead of: “Darn it, I just can’t stop thinking.” This is so frustrating. What is wrong with me? I’ll never get it...” We speak to ourselves with compassion and kindness: Hmmm, I notice a lot of thoughts. My mind is very busy today. So many things coming up!”

Labeling: We use this same gentle voice to label our thoughts when we become aware of them; “Thinking”. We say it in a light, kind way and then invite ourselves to come back to focus on the breath. If you hear anger or criticism, simply insist on a kind tone; just as you might if someone you love spoke harshly to you.

Breath: The breath is our anchor. It is our access to the present moment. When we develop the ability to focus on the breath; we realize that we really can influence our thoughts and our actions. This is the key to great power and emotional health. So, when we become aware of wandering away, time traveling into the past or the future; we notice, we gently label our thoughts, and we come back to focus, as best we can, to the breath.


The Attitude:

Concentration meditation is coming into the present moment and residing fully in our minds and bodies. We have the opportunity to enjoy a deep awareness of all that is arising outside of us and within us. To fully enter into each precious moment we must create a safe and warm environment in our own mental world. We do this by refraining from striving for any particular result such as: serenity, less thoughts, no thoughts, bliss, or insight. We also choose to refrain from judgment and criticism of ourselves or others. We do have the choice to let go of goals such as “I want this to be a good meditation”; evaluative thoughts, and harsh criticism, such as “ this is too hard” or “I’m such a loser that I can’t quiet my mind”. When we refrain from this kind of thinking, we can experience a kind of liberation. Suddenly we have the inner space to enter the Now, and simply be.

Here are some helpful aids to beginning your practice:

Choose a place and time where you will not be interrupted.
Turn off your phone!
 Invite other people to respect this time and space, and to support your practice.
 Choose the amount of time you will practice today, and set a timer. Even 5 minutes can be very beneficial!
 No matter what type of advanced meditation practice you choose, it is best to begin each time, with concentration meditation.

Here is your Concentration Meditation instruction, in a nut shell:

• Sit in the recommended posture
• Breath into the belly
• Sit with an attitude of compassion toward your self
• Refrain from striving, judgment and criticism
• Notice thoughts and gently label them “thinking”
• Insist on a kind tone to your inner voice
• Then return to focus on the breath when you can, and as best you can

Above all, may you experience great kindness from yourself and great benefit from your practice!